:(

arrghh. he hasn't called since wednesday. dangit.

grr.

that last blog didn't make me feel any better. ha.

worry warts.

lots of worrying.

-college.
-boys.
-by boys i mean andrew.
-and tyler kinda.
-this stupid student council election.
-the fact that its just a popularity contest.
-i'm growing up.
-i think my brother feels like i don't really love him sometimes.
- :(
-my non existant quiet times.
-ashley and her baby.
-art...or LACK of art.
-grades and this stupid valedictorian thing.
- stupid head elias is beating me.
-i'm gettin fat.
-the world in general.
-OH! the ELECTIONS!
-clubs.
-ACT.
-pretty much any issue you can imagine.

i'm worrying about it.

blahbadeeblah.

I don’t know what’s goin on with me……
I’m letting too much stuff get to me that I know I shouldn’t make a big deal out of, its just…well I’m really bad about not letting things get to me and…yea.
Like…I know this is SUPER stupid, but I’m pretty sure Andrew comments people a good bit because he always has new comments from them in reply-style, and I guess that’s kinda stalker-ish of me to notice that, but I do and I can’t help it. Its just that there’s so much of a damper on every part of this “maybe relationship” that its really hard for me to see this going much of anywhere. He might as well be a thousand miles away. But anyway today I was drivin and that old song “for you I will” by teddy Geiger came on the radio and it just made me start thinking about all that tyler had said (that I had pretty much completely disregarded until that STUPID song) and idk…for a couple of moments Andrew seemed like a stupid idea to me. And that scares me. Do I like him?! Why WOULDN’T I like him? He’s pretty much everything I could want in a guy. I mean, with an exception of some minor things, ….agrghghathghghgh. See? Why am I confused? This is supposed to be a DUH situation. DUH DUH DUHHHH! What’s WRONG with me?! Lol no but seriously. What’s wrong with me? Maybe I’m just having some doubts because I haven’t seen him and now that he actually seems REAL to me since I DID actually get to see him last week, maybe now that he’s gone, its kinda hit me how hard this is gonna be. Maybe that’s it. But idk its just that when we’re on the phone…the past couple of conversations have been kinda…idk. Like there’s no spark. And I’m worried he’s feelin it too. And I mean, not like there’s no attraction or anything but its just like we’ve almost run out of stuff to talk about. And like I said, this is probably a minor glitch and due to the fact that we’re both tired and busy with school and he’s had football till like 7 everyday…but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel this way. I don’t know, I’m just ramblin and tryna make there be a problem that doesn’t even really EXIST…
I know if I could see him though, things would be okay. I need to hang out with him really bad but he probably won’t be able to come down here this weekend. In fact, it’s a pretty definite “no.” and then NEXT weekend, he can’t come down here bc my parents said we’re gonna try to put up that fence in the back. And THENNN the NEXT weekend, I have the FCS picnic, so it’d be pointless for him to come THAT weekend. Argh see this is already a MONTH’S time that we for sure won’t be able to see each other. I mean pretty soon he’s gonna get sick of this. And I’m ALREADY starting to have doubts so I mean…I just don’t know how I feel, and it shouldn’t be this hard to decide how I feel. Its just like a means to no ends though. Like we’re working toward something that can never be. Wow I’m making this sound dramatic lol. But it IS kinda dramatic in my head. Egh I’m stupid. But anyway I hope it gets better. I miss him. I want some assurance in my life. Why is that so FREAKING hard. Arugh.

funny

So this is what happens today:
Tyler Shane Martin
Today at 6:01pm
hey i just wanted to ask/tell you somethin and i didnt really want to write it on ur wall so everybody could read it..although i dont think i would mind if everyone did read it i guess..i guess im just babbling on cause i dont know how exactly to say all this so im just wastin space to delay what i want to say...blah blah blah blah blah.....blah..alksdhgls...ok im good lol...so umm yea..i guess what i was tryin to say is..i like you andrea.. i like you a lot..i was just too much of a chicken to tell you in person..i know i had a lot of chances to tell you before and im sorry about that..i can be pretty stubborn most of the time i guess..oh and yea i guess i should ask you my question too now that i got that off my chest..do you think you would ever have gone out with me? i mean as you know boyfriend/girlfriend and all that jazz? im not askin you out right now or anything, but believe me i would in a heartbeat, i guess i was just wonderin if you ever felt the same about me..oh and no matter what your answer i'll still feel the same about you and i'll still be your friend if you'll have me...whew i feel better

Andrea Lynn
Today at 7:06pm
Lol …Yknow that’s funny because I liked you on and off for about two years. Uhm… to answer your question, yes I would have gone out with you. But honestly I guess what was responsible for the times I didn’t “like” you so much was that the moment I would kinda start likin you more, I would turn around and you were dating someone else. Hah like I remember that time you bought me a boo bag back a million years ago and I was really excited bc I was like aww he likes me and everything and then I clearly remember like literally the next day you holding hands with some girl in the hallway and it kinda bummed me out. But then I eventually was alright with it and I think we became a lot closer as friends and thennnn around prom time I was a little curious as to how you felt but I had a lot going on at that point anyway so I tried not to think about it and then after prom and stuff I started likin you again and then you started dating kaylee. And I don’t know if you remember or not but like your last day of school or whatever I didn’t really say bye or anything and I felt bad but honestly I was a little upset lol. I guess just because every time I thought something was gonna happen, I felt like it was getting thrown back in my face. Anywayyyyy. Lol kinda feels good to put this in the open huh? Lol. Um but as far as the here and now…tyler…you’re still an amazing guy and I know this sounds like I’m gonna say “BUT” …and I kinda am but not in the usual sense of the word… its just that you’re in college now and …idk….I’ve kinda lost touch with you a little bit bc I never see you and I’m sure there’s a whole bunch of new people at ICC and its my senior year and… I just don’t know how practical it would be to start likin each other again now. Lol I mean, you’ve gotta admit, you’re timing sucks lol jk. But its all good. And if you WERE to “ask me out,” right now, I don’t know for sure if I could answer you because there’s A LOT goin on right now…but I CAN say that we can’t go wrong being friends and then if something should happen later on, great, and if not, we’re still good. Sorry that was so long lol. I mean now that it took so long for us to ever even SAY anything, I don’t wanna go back to where we can’t talk about it yknow..? Anyway, I’m really glad you told me. And you should write back lol.

Tyler Shane Martin
Today at 7:20pm
well its good to know that somebody likes me :) yea im really sorry about all the datin back and forth i just cant ever seem to make up my mind..its pretty bad sometimes, i'll like a girl one day and like almost the next day i wouldnt like em so much..i never was like that w/ you though..i always liked you, i just never thought you would want to be w/ me..and yea i understand you got a lot goin on right now, thats ok i dont mind..yea there are a bunch of new people at ICC but i've never been one to be real outgoing or anything..i miss bein around you and everybody else i know..and yea its your senior year i understand that too, you should have fun and do everything you want to this year cause you won't get another chance..i still wish i had done a lot of stuff last year..but its all good..yea i know it won't be 'practical' to like each other right now, i understand that, but too bad..im gonna like you whether you want me to or not lol..and i'll always be your friend too whether you want me or not :P

Andrea Lynn
Today at 7:25pm
lol. i can't believe you ALWAYS liked me lol. see you were always like kinda flirty..but i figured you were like that around EVERYONE. why would you think i wouldn't want to be with you? and just bc i'm curious...after HOW many years of knowin me lol why did it take you this long? hah. you dont have to answer, i'm just curious.


Ohm yea. OH the irony. I don’t really know what to make of this, and as pathetic as it sounds, I remember layin in bed back in like 9th grade and thinking how I would just FAINT if he asked me out or whatever. I was crazy about him then. Its funny to see how you can change. If he had been sayin that to me then, I probably woulda just blubbered over myself and fallen out. that’s how bad it was lol. But I don’t really have feelings for him anymore, surprisingly. And now that Andrew’s come into my life, its hard to imagine going back to those feelings I used to have for tyler. I feel kinda bad. I’m afraid he got the impression that I DID like him, I just didn’t wanna date. Which is not exactly what I was tryna say… so…but oh well. Its not like I’m ever gonna see him, so I think things’ll be fine as long as he doesn’t just assume that we’re “talking” or anything. If us talking about old feelings messed up something with Andrew, that would kill me. So right now I guess we’re good. And I don’t feel like I said anything I shouldn’t… I was just honest with how I had felt, and I’m the kinda person who doesn’t hold anything inside ESPECIALLY when I’m given the opportunity to talk about it. I hate it when there are those awkward tensions between two people and now that that’s gone with tyler, I feel like our friendship can finally grow stronger instead of always having those little bits of confusion in the back of our minds. At least everything’s out in the open now and I can move on and be free of wondering.

frustrATION frustrATION frustrATION.

So last night Andrew called and we talked for a little bit. He wanted to know what my parents thought of him so I just told him the truth about the stupid thing about the movie and stuff and then he started getting all bummed because he thought my parents didn’t like him. Which may be closer to the truth than I’d like, BUT they’re still letting him come down here and stuff, its just that my parents, mother especially, has to find SOMETHING wrong with EVERYONE. We decided next time he’ll bring barney and friends lol. Anyway I asked him what his parents thought about me and he just said they said I was pretty and seemed really nice. So THAT part’s good. But then he said as they were drivin home that they were talkin about how long of a drive it would be and stuff and he said he didn’t really say anything. He’s gonna try to come down this Saturday but I’m scared he won’t be able to. And I reallllly wanna see him…
Anyway when I got off the phone with him my mom was like…so what did you find out? She keeps buggin me about his spirituality and stuff, which is really important to me, but she’s not gonna like give me an AGENDA to check off. That’s ridiculous. And she was like, I just don’t see how a long distance relationship can work that well. I was like…we’re NOT in a relationship. we're just two people who are trying to get to know each other. And she’s like…well I seem to remember you telling me you liked him. Omgsh. Yea I LIKE him but we’re not DATING. I told her I was like…you can’t just rush this and try to make it be something it’s not. (not that she WANTS it to be something) but she wants to go ahead and put a label on it so she can make formal rules about dating or something and since we aren’t technically dating, I guess that’s killin her that she can’t make more limits for me. I mean we already can’t talk except for MAYBE every other day for pretty much no longer than 30 minutes and he can’t call past 9. Where does she really think this is gonna get her? I’m gonna be gone in less than a year…does she REALLY think she can still hold onto me? I remember her telling me ..we were talking about Vanderbilt and how people can’t bring cars because there’s no parking on campus and I was like..well if I go there, I’ll HAVE to take my car because I wanna be able to go home instead of depending on my parents coming down and BRINGING me home. And she was like well even if you DO take your car, I don’t want you just goin everywhere. I expect you to do just like you do here and I don’t want you goin somewhere without letting us know and ESPECIALLY not going out to DO anything unless you ask. Lol. I was like okay mom. I mean, would it really benefit me to get into that argument. Ha. Anyway. Its just stuff like that. Like what makes her think when I’m out on my own that I’m gonna still attend to her rules. I think she’s insane. Its just driving me crazy about this whole Andrew thing. Why can’t she just leave me alone? Yknow the smart thing to do here would be to back off and just observe how I’m dealing with this whole situation. Because, like it or not, I probably won’t change much if anything when I graduate, and THEN she won’t be there to even observe. She should see how I handle things without her interference because otherwise she’s gonna go crazy when I leave because she doesn’t trust me to actually be smart about things or something.. I don’t even know. I just feel like I’m gonna explode already and I havent even started seriously thinking about colleges. That’s when its REALLY gonna hit. Everythings just so overwhelming and she’s not helping a THING.

so far..

Well I’m gonna see how this goes and I’m pretty sure it’ll work out great since I love to write and to talk about myself. Ha. Andrew came over yesterday. It was actually a little bit disappointing because he had two games the night before because they had their jamboree and he didn’t get home till like 2 in the morning. And he had been planning to get here around 10 o clock but since he was so tired he didn’t end up waking UP till 10 so they got here around 1:30 and he had to leave at 4. So it sucked but at least we got to see each other. I mean maybe I’m crazy…I just…I don’t know what to think about this. My head is telling me that I’m being completely unrealistic but my heart is saying to hold on and be patient. I really like him, but I don’t feel like I know him well enough yet to decide whether I like HIM, or the idea of him. And I’m pretty sure it’s the first one, but I would really wanna kick myself if we started a relationship and I realized that it was really the last one. And I mean, I gotta give him a break since he was dead tired and beat up from two games. They lost both :( but anyway he said he wants to try to come down here next weekend and I reeeeally want him to because he’ll be able to bring his car and we can actually do something besides walk over to old towne and sit on a bench watching people drive by and stare because they have nothing better to do on Saturday afternoons. Anyway. And I hate my hair cut. I look like a freakin punk skater dude gone chick. Minus the tight pants, since they don’t work for my thighs. I was so mad because the girl just went in there and I told her I wanted bangs and she just goes to choppin. I’m like…HOLD up. But anyway we wont talk about that. At least my hair will grow. Agh I’m just …bleh. I’m kinda stuck in this never ending cycle of trying to get back to being consistent in my quiet times and stuff and each time I try, something comes up to distract me, and since that’s not very hard to do, I drop everything and completely forget about God. And I don’t want Andrew to be a distraction, but he is. …But I like him. So honestly I don’t even care. That’s what scares me…that I don’t even care. And we arent even DATING yet and I’ve already checked out as far as my walk with Christ. I need a drill sergeant. I’m terrible at being disciplined and just think about college! People always say that I’m so determined and dependable and responsible, but not when it comes to the important stuff. I’d rather sit on my butt and do what I THINK will make me happy, only to find out that I’m doing the exact opposite because in the process I turned my back on Him and I get stupid sometimes and forget that he’s the only source of happiness. I guess I just thought that I need to get this thing with me and Andrew kinda set up and then I could get back on track with God. But that’s not how its supposed to work and I know it, I’m just stubborn. Aosimdfoiasmf. I need some major motivation at this point.